As I sit here on my 39th birthday, I am contemplating life. It seems to go in phases doesn’t it, or rather in decades. You’re a child for ten or so years, then a teenager. Soon enough you’ve made it as a twenty something and then that pivotal thirty crops up. By then you feel just a little pressure…you’re not quite middle aged yet, but it’s just around the corner, so watch out. Before you know it the big four-o is looming. You reflect on your life and wonder ‘what the hell happened to my thirties?’ ‘What did I do exactly?’ You don’t even remember half your twenties, and it’s not just because of the alcohol consumption in college. Or maybe it is. Your childhood is so far away in the past it seems like a dream. A very nice one too! Ah to be a child again. But I digress.
When I was growing up I used to hear the phrase ‘life begins at forty’ and thought ‘man that’s a long way off’. In fact it seemed like a few lifetimes away. It’s amazing how it creeps up on you, isn’t it. I just hope and pray it’s all true.
I’ve got ONE year left…and the signs are there …so here we go… Thirty nine signs the big ‘four-o’ is coming.
You know you’re pushing forty when:
1. Your son asks “who’s Billy Ray Cyrus?”
2. You ask your kids “who the hell is Hannah Montana?”
3. Teenagers annoy the heck out of you!
4. You start eyeing the suspenders when you go shopping at Wal-Mart. The boxers look pretty tempting too.
5. You hear ‘Get into the Groove’ on the oldies station and remember dancing to it when it first came out.
6. You remember where you were when President Regan was shot.
7. You know what a Commodore 64 is!
8. You’re still happy with your cassette tapes… thank you very much.
9. You start going to more funerals than weddings.
10. In second grade you thought your teacher was old… now you are even older.
11. You remember life before cell phones.
12. You still use a VCR.
13. Grandparents don’t seem so old…you’ve met Grandparents your same age.
14. You never thought you’d see the day when a black man and a white woman were fighting for a presidential nomination…how old is McCain again?
15. Your wife’s co-worker says she was only 8 when 90210 was on TV…after doing some simple math you realize you’re 14 years older.
16. A good night on the town means eating out.
17. When they find out your age young people say ‘I didn’t know you were that old.’
18. You start hanging round with sixty year olds so you can feel like the young one of the group.
19. Family members start saying annoying things like ‘you’re not getting any younger.’
20. You start seriously thinking about the pension plan you haven’t got.
21. You start complaining that the music your neighbors are playing is too loud.
22. You’d just as soon have cereal for dinner.
23. You remember when you had three television stations to choose from and they all went off the air at night after playing the national anthem.
24. You just can’t stay up all night drinking any more…and show up for work.
25. You start thinking that maybe you need to act more responsible and mature.
26. You fall asleep during movies.
27. You start saying things like ‘when I was a kid, things were different’ or ‘kids today have it easy’, and ‘we had to walk to school…and back.’
28. You think today’s music is crap, just like what your dad said about any music you listened to that wasn’t Country.
29. You remember when all kids played outside…where are they now?
30. Someone offers you a seat on the bus. And you don’t refuse.
31. You start paying attention to the medical ads on television.
32. Step one of any exercise program begins with ‘get off the couch’.
33. The grey hairs begin to outnumber the black hairs.
34. And you pray that the grey ones won’t fall out.
35. You have more in common with your parents than you do with your kids.
36. First thing you do in the morning is the obituary column, and if you name isn’t there, you get out of bed.
37. You lived through the Eighties the first time around, which means today you’re wise enough to avoid hideous style revivals like luminous clothes, jump suits and leg warmers.
38. You are no longer carded when you purchase alcohol
39. Paul Newman movies start to make sense.